Eurovision 2016: Stream of Consciousness Edition

Well, it’s the first year we’ve got The Eurovision Song Contest where Sir Terry Wogan truly will only be here in spirit, but he wouldn’t want us to be sad. Therefore, I shall give my opinions on each song as they are performed, posting the whole thing at the end of the whole silly mess.

Why? Because I can.

Belgium: Funky disco beat, nice choreography – classic Eurovision, in the best possible way.

Czech Republic: Chorus is boring, but she really does give it her all.

Netherlands: It’s always weird to hear country & western songs at Eurovision, but it’s the nice kind of weird.

Azerbaijan: Hey, I spelt that right on the first try! Anyway, it’s Azerbaijan, so it’s inoffensively generic, sung by someone pretty. Next.

Why do they keep playing the melody to The Sun Always Shines On TV?

Hungary: I can’t decide if I like this guy’s husky singing or not. Still, he’s got some guy whacking a big drum in the back, so that’s always a plus.

Italy: I quite like the odd cartoony splodges on the screen. I’d comment about the song, but I don’t speak much Italian and the BBC don’t appear to offer subtitles, which makes no sense.

Israel: You know what? This is actually really damn good. Good on Israel for justifying their place in the final this year.

Bulgaria: Eeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhh… I’m not feeling it. Maybe it’s the bland chorus, or her bloody stupid haircut, but… eeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh.

Seriously, that's "The Sun Always Shines On TV". It's got to be.

Sweden: Oh look, it’s Justin Whalin circa 1994. But seriously, this is a refreshingly chill change of pace after Bulgaria’s stomping around.

Germany: Pfffffft HAHAHAHAHA HEE HEE Okay… okay. If I don’t look at her fucking ridiculous outfit, then I can just about stop laughing. Oh, and the song’s a big load of nothing.

France: Now this is more like it. This will do well, and it deserves to.

Poland: If I hadn’t just heard France’s entry, I wouldn’t be damning Poland’s song with faint praise right now.

I don't dislike "The Sun Always Shines On TV". It's a good song.

Australia: As much as I hate the fact that Australia are in Eurovision (WHY?) this is a damn good song.

Cyprus: I love how they’re trying to be the baddest boys in Eurovision, when Lordi winning Eurovision was already a thing.

Serbia: I certainly wasn’t expecting a song about emotional abuse at Eurovision, and I sure as hell wasn’t expecting it to be so good.

Lithuania: Again, this song encapsulates what Eurovision typically is, without pissing me off. In fact, I like it.

I just don't see why it should be used in Eurovision.

Croatia: A few bum notes, but otherwise fine.

Russia: First song this year that’s had me nodding my head in time. Doesn’t hurt that the trickery with the screen was amazing.

Spain: Damn good, but nobody can follow Russia’s act this year and look better.


Ukraine: Sincere. Passionate. Deserves to do well. Probably won’t.

Malta: Inoffensively Generic Song #4 (?) of the evening.

"Sun always shiiines...

Georgia: This is the kind of song my brother used to listen to when he was 14, right down to the lead singer wearing a hat (possibly as a replacement for a personality).

Austria: Ahhh… much better. That was downright lovely.

UK: This is a really good song that will fail due to bullshit politics. There, I said it.

... on TV..."

Armenia: Something a bit batty and a bit sultry to finish things off. I can dig it.

Holy shit, they got Sirs Jacobi & McKellen for a comedy skit? Cool!

For the record, I voted for France, and when I heard the UK jury had given 12 points to Georgia, I actually said “Oh, fuck off!”, even though I was on my own.


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